GENERATION Y? MORE LIKE GENERATION WHY BOTHER

                                          

My attorney “Tyler” is a ‘Millenial’, a member of the so-called ‘Generation Y’.

According to a ‘social media’ profile registered under his name, Tyler is a lawyer in his spare time, when he is not “wake boarding”, “playing in a band”, or “living life to its fullest”.

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ALL THE EDITORS MEN: ET TU, JEREMY?

       

In a series of Machiavellian twists so malicious, so malevolent as to fill Julius Caesar’s heart with sympathy, Jeremy Hanson-Finger (editor of the once acclaimed Dragnet Magazine) has plotted to replace ME, Percival W. Pennyweather, with a woman whose ONLY discernible qualifications are her passion for tulips and that she is Jeremy Hanson-Finger’s MOTHER!

Jeremy Hanson-Finger claims that he merely wishes everyone to ‘share’. Horse feathers.

The truth, as can be gleaned by the correspondences below, is much more sinister:

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HIDING IN THE GARDEN: WASCALLY WABBITS!

               

Hello! It’s Mrs. Hanson-Finger with another installment of “Flower Talk”!

Here on Vancouver Island, we boast a large population of fuzzy cottontail rabbits!

Contrary to popular belief, cottontail rabbits are not actually indigenous to the island; the Comox Valley Naturalists Association has reported that cottontails were only introduced to the local ecosystem by hunters in 1964! Since then, cottontail rabbits have been welcomed to the island by local sea otters, mountain goats, and elk, who share our island’s serene forests with the cottontail rabbit.

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Magical Cherry Blossoms (Jeremy’s Favourite!)

        

Hello again! I’m here with another delightful installment of “Flower Talk”. I’m Mrs. Hanson-Finger.

As the sun rises over the British Columbia mountains and skates across the glassy waters of the Strait of Juan de Fuca, I feel inspired to write about the cherry blossom, a flower cultivated for ornamental purposes and which symbolizes clouds, an enduring metaphor of the ephemeral nature of life.

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The Noble Tiger Lily

            

Hello! Welcome to “Flower Talk,” I’m Mrs. Hanson-Finger (Jeremy’s mom!)

Of all the flowers in the flower kingdom, there is perhaps none more elegant and regal than the noble tiger lily. 

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Of Shenanigans: Putting “High” Back into “High-Jinks”

There is a new and highly queer phenomenon sweeping across our nation’s university campuses that threatens to plunge our institutions of higher education into anarchy:

Lecture Crashing refers to a particular sport of mischief-making that blurs the lines between juvenile antics and terrorism, whereby one or a small group of flippant students stage spectacles in the middle of university lectures.

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Why Jack Layton is More Threatening Dead Than He Ever Was Alive

                  

Before beginning with my discourse, let me delicately assuage the sensitivities of my readers and first acknowledge that Jack Layton—truly, sincerely, justly—was a man passionately driven by the singular goal of destroying Canada, the Canadian way of life, and wreaking terror upon those of us whose only ‘sin’ is our commitment to the principles of systematic inequality, wealth hording, and patronizing the working-class as if they were some variety of feral animal. As stray dogs, even.

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As We Watch the Royals, the Royals Also Watch Us

Yawping crowds! Mewling babies! Silly hats! T-shirts! (Yes, tee-shirts!) Signboards trimmed with tinsel and glitter and gold-spangled macaroons! Populism! Dandyism! Burlesquery! Applesauce! Tommyrot! Bilgewater!

 Dear reader, it fills my heart with absolute vitriol—pure, intemperate, seething vitriol—to remain silent as the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s Canadian Tour continues to regress into some queer circus of the absurd.

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